Where was I when you needed me?

I think until I lost someone really close to me I had no idea what life was about. I thought it was all fun and games. I always feared the death of my parents but never of losing a sister. Her's was the second early morning phone call. My sister Michelle was always larger than life. Looking back we were all lucky to have her on earth as long as we did. She worked hard, loved hard, and lived even harder. As the first holidays without my sister past I realized with each one that she was never coming back. When the new year came and it was time to update my address and date book, I continued for years to write her in. Refusing to accept I could no longer call her or send her a birthday card. Thinking about Christmas I can remember every little thing she ever gave me but I don't remember anything I give to her. Any gift would seem too small now. Once she bought me a pair of gold topaz earrings but I never wore them. I didn't immediately put them on and when I did go for them later on, they were gone. I wondered if she took them back thinking I wasn't appreciative enough. She always said I was spoiled. That was always the thing about my relationship with her. She was the "Big" sister. She was my "Protector". It was her job to be there for me. In the end, in my trying to deal with her death, I have often wondered: "Who was there for her?"