What the eyes can't see.

I think a portion of our brain shuts down when we hear something so terrible it cannot process the information it is being presented with. On May 5, 2005, my brain went into a sort of shock. Until this day, I am unable to comprehend the words that were coming out of my mother’s mouth and through the receiving end of my phone.  It had only been 2 months since the death of my father. My daily focus was to get up, get a shower, and take care of my baby. I was so sad I was basically unable to deal with anything else, or so I thought. I was living in an apartment in the northern end of Canton with Jake and our 7 month old baby. It was a weekday so Jake had gone to work. Quietly sneaking out so he wouldn’t wake baby Ethan and I at about 7:00 a.m. I was awakened by the phone ringing. I was so tired. It had been a long night with Ethan and I seriously thought about letting it ring. We had all been taking dad’s death hard, especially my mom so I thought it might be her and I needed to just get up and answer the phone. I stumbled my way to the phone as quickly as possible before the ringing woke up Ethan. When I answered the phone someone on the other end, who I am positive was my mom, said something like “She’s dead” or “she’s dying”. What was I hearing? What was she saying? I don’t understand. What? Who? I say. Then I hear her say something like “Michelle is dead” or maybe “Michelle is dying”. I honestly do not know what she said. I just thought, no! There is no way I just heard her say that. This is a dream. I really think I thought it was a dream. Somehow I managed to get myself and baby Ethan out the door, into the car, and on the road to the south side of Canton to my mom’s house. I think I may have called some people from home or on my way. Mark was at work, in a haze I see myself call him and say, “Mom says Michelle is dying or already dead, I don’t know, just come home now!” I’m pretty sure I called Jake and said the same thing. Looking back on that day is much like looking at life through a really foggy camera lens. I could kind of see what was going on and what I was doing but I had no control over it at all. I was just going through motions. How I made it to mom’s without having a car accident, God only knows. I pull into mom’s driveway. There is a strange car. “Whose car is that? That’s Helen’s car! Why is Helen’s car here”? Helen was my sister Michelle’s partner’s mom and although she and her husband had been acquaintances of my mom and dad she wouldn’t come for a visit this early in the morning. I’m still not processing the connection. I walk in to my mom’s house. Helen is washing my mom’s dishes. Why the hell is Helen washing my mom’s dishes? I’m looking at Helen, I’m looking at mom. Still not processing. Oh shit! I left the baby in the car. But I can’t go get him because I’m looking at Helen and then at mom. Helen is washing dishes, crying. Mom’s is just sitting in her chair crying. Why is she crying? This is not real! She said Michelle was sick, right? Trying to convince myself. I sit down beside mom and ask what is going on?  Instead of answering she says, “Where’s the baby? Where’s Ethan?” He’s in the car mom. What’s wrong with Michelle? Then I hear it. I really hear it. “She’s dead Melanie! She’s dead!” It was like the world stopped. I tried to reject what I was hearing. I have to go get the baby out of the car now. He needs his bottle. He needs his diaper changed. I have to call Jake. Is this a dream? Please be a dream! People started coming in at mom’s house. Time passes. My brothers who took off work are coming in one by one, Mark, Michael, and last Mitchell. My Aunt Jeanette and uncle J.T. walk in and just sit down and start crying. My sister June comes in, sits down, and starts crying. No one is talking, just sitting and crying. Everyone is there. In my mind I’m waiting on “her” to come in. If “she” comes in then I will know this is not a dream because something this horrible has to be a dream.   Jake comes in and takes the baby from me. I’m not crying because I don’t believe it. He looks at me and says are you okay? Then I hear it again. Mom is on the phone, saying “She’s dead! Michelle’s dead!”  I get up and go out onto the porch. There are cars in the driveway. Lots of cars. There are people in the house crying. I hear it again, she’s  dead, Michelle’s dead! I jump off the porch and I run to the road and I look for something, maybe her. I run to my sister Junes and I come back to the center of the yard. Jake meets me there with baby Ethan. Stop! He says to me, just stop! You have to stop! I drop to my knees, I lay down in the grass and I cry. I cry like a baby lying in the grass where I used to play with my sister Michelle. I just scream and cry and the pain in my heart was like a hole. I realize she’s not coming.