I think a portion of our brain shuts down when we hear
something so terrible it cannot process the information it is being presented
with. On May 5, 2005, my brain went into a sort of shock. Until this day, I am
unable to comprehend the words that were coming out of my mother’s mouth and
through the receiving end of my phone.
It had only been 2 months since the death of my father. My daily focus
was to get up, get a shower, and take care of my baby. I was so sad I was basically
unable to deal with anything else, or so I thought. I was living in an
apartment in the northern end of Canton with Jake and our 7 month old baby. It
was a weekday so Jake had gone to work. Quietly sneaking out so he wouldn’t
wake baby Ethan and I at about 7:00 a.m. I was awakened by the phone ringing. I
was so tired. It had been a long night with Ethan and I seriously thought about
letting it ring. We had all been taking dad’s death hard, especially my mom so
I thought it might be her and I needed to just get up and answer the phone. I
stumbled my way to the phone as quickly as possible before the ringing woke up
Ethan. When I answered the phone someone on the other end, who I am positive was
my mom, said something like “She’s dead” or “she’s dying”. What was I hearing?
What was she saying? I don’t understand. What? Who? I say. Then I hear her say
something like “Michelle is dead” or maybe “Michelle is dying”. I honestly do
not know what she said. I just thought, no! There is no way I just heard her
say that. This is a dream. I really think I thought it was a dream. Somehow I
managed to get myself and baby Ethan out the door, into the car, and on the
road to the south side of Canton to my mom’s house. I think I may have called
some people from home or on my way. Mark was at work, in a haze I see myself
call him and say, “Mom says Michelle is dying or already dead, I don’t know,
just come home now!” I’m pretty sure I called Jake and said the same thing. Looking
back on that day is much like looking at life through a really foggy camera lens.
I could kind of see what was going on and what I was doing but I had no control
over it at all. I was just going through motions. How I made it to mom’s
without having a car accident, God only knows. I pull into mom’s driveway.
There is a strange car. “Whose car is that? That’s Helen’s car! Why is Helen’s
car here”? Helen was my sister Michelle’s partner’s mom and although she and
her husband had been acquaintances of my mom and dad she wouldn’t come for a
visit this early in the morning. I’m still not processing the connection. I walk
in to my mom’s house. Helen is washing my mom’s dishes. Why the hell is Helen
washing my mom’s dishes? I’m looking at Helen, I’m looking at mom. Still not
processing. Oh shit! I left the baby in the car. But I can’t go get him because
I’m looking at Helen and then at mom. Helen is washing dishes, crying. Mom’s is
just sitting in her chair crying. Why is she crying? This is not real! She said
Michelle was sick, right? Trying to convince myself. I sit down beside mom and
ask what is going on? Instead of
answering she says, “Where’s the baby? Where’s Ethan?” He’s in the car mom.
What’s wrong with Michelle? Then I hear it. I really hear it. “She’s dead
Melanie! She’s dead!” It was like the world stopped. I tried to reject what I was
hearing. I have to go get the baby out of the car now. He needs his bottle. He
needs his diaper changed. I have to call Jake. Is this a dream? Please be a
dream! People started coming in at mom’s house. Time passes. My brothers who
took off work are coming in one by one, Mark, Michael, and last Mitchell. My Aunt
Jeanette and uncle J.T. walk in and just sit down and start crying. My sister
June comes in, sits down, and starts crying. No one is talking, just sitting
and crying. Everyone is there. In my mind I’m waiting on “her” to come in. If “she”
comes in then I will know this is not a dream because something this horrible
has to be a dream. Jake comes in and takes the baby from me. I’m
not crying because I don’t believe it. He looks at me and says are you okay?
Then I hear it again. Mom is on the phone, saying “She’s dead! Michelle’s dead!” I get up and go out onto the porch. There are
cars in the driveway. Lots of cars. There are people in the house crying. I
hear it again, she’s dead, Michelle’s
dead! I jump off the porch and I run to the road and I look for something,
maybe her. I run to my sister Junes and I come back to the center of the yard.
Jake meets me there with baby Ethan. Stop! He says to me, just stop! You have
to stop! I drop to my knees, I lay down in the grass and I cry. I cry like a
baby lying in the grass where I used to play with my sister Michelle. I just
scream and cry and the pain in my heart was like a hole. I realize she’s not
coming.
No comments:
Post a Comment